NYPD Barricade

I attended the 2006 NYC Puerto Rican Day Parade. (I thought it was going to be something else.) The best and worst thing were the churros. Ask my taste buds and the NYPD barricade I was pressed up against about that, respectively.

My Fifth Grade Gym Class

We were playing "Kill the Carrier." There was a huge pile on. I hopped on last and piled it on for good measure.

A Supercomputer

I was visiting the R&D department of a prominent technology company. My liaison took me into an all-white room and asked me to put on a Hazmat suit. He showed me the prototype for their newest supercomputer. Remembering the Terminator movie series, I did what I had to do to protect the future. At the same time, I believe I somehow made that machine a bit more human. Only time will tell.

Pabst Blue Ribbon

We threw a dinner party the other week. A friend of a friend who tagged along thought it would be classy to bring a case of Pabst. While the rest of us drank red wine and fine whiskey, the friend of a friend drank his beer -- however I served it to him at slightly warmer than room temperature. He thought it was skunked and drank water for the rest of the evening.

Snow

The year was 1993. The place was Tower Records in my hometown mall. The receiver was Snow. He signed my CD. I took a bite out of my Auntie Anne's cheddar pretzel and turned to walk away. He got leaky-boom-boom-downed.

Racism

I once attended an Allman Brothers concert. Some rednecks near me in the beer line had some choice words about Jaimoe, the band's African-American drummer. As I slid past them with my frosty brews, I taught them that while the south will never rise again, my hot, smelly poofs always do.

A Bunch of Banana Hammocks

I was sitting on a display table at a swimming goods store. The frou-frou clerk told me, "The display table isn't a park bench." I counterpointed by exhibiting just how much a display table full of banana hammocks can exactly be like a park bench.

Indiana Jones Adventure at Disneyland

I had just eaten one of those big turkey legs. The ride's "enhanced effects" not only brought the "action-packed adventure to life," but my gas as well. I single-handedly turned it into a Temple of Doom.

The Sit Up Machine At The Gym

I was in the middle of my second set of 50 crunches when it happened. I was trying to keep my abs tight... too tight. Luckily, Flo Rida's "Low" was blaring so nobody heard me.

My Co-Worker's Hoodie

My coworker couldn't stop bragging about his "new, awesome hoodie." It's pretty stupid if you ask me. When he stepped out to grab a soda from the kitchen, I showed him. I aimed for the inner-hood region. The irony is that he made the coffee a bit too strong that morning.

This Douchebag

It happened a few months ago a bar. He cut in front of me and said "'Cuse me, bra." He then ordered a Red Bull Vodka (with well booze) and four shots of Jagermeister. I had to squeeze one out quickly to nail him right in his True Religions. I felt like a champion.

My Wife

This usually happens at night by mistake : She's wants to cuddle while we sleep; I wound up eating dairy that day. I've tried to make it perfectly understandable to her that I don't need to apologize for this. She disagrees. 'Til death do us part indeed!

My Couch

This happens quite frequently -- probably 5-10 times per day on average. The type ranges the entire spectra. The home field advantage makes me feel quite comfortable there. I also don't have to worry about anybody judging me because it is my own couch. It's my favorite place in the whole world.